8 Months Without You 💔

I don’t understand how 8 months have passed. My head and heart are in complete DISBELIEF still. I miss you so much Grace. How much I ache for you and miss you can’t be described in words. I miss your smile, your amazing and loud laugh, our conversations, your amazing hugs and snuggles, your kisses, the way you loved so deeply and passionately, your hand. I would do anything to hold your hand again. I am grateful, blessed and thankful for the joy you brought to my life and the amazing memories I have of our life together. Your Daddy, MacKenzie and Ryder miss you so much. I still get up everyday with a glimmer of Hope. My head knows what happened but at the same time I just can’t grasp it. We walk by your bedroom each night with such pain in our hearts and with such good memories of lying with you, reading to you, tucking you in, kissing you, tickling you and holding you. I had so many hopes and dreams for you sweetheart. I also thought we would be together this year going to rehab together, taking you to school, staying hope from school to rest and play and bake. I thought we would just have some time together after a busy year fighting. You inspired so many people and I PROMISE we will keep your memory alive , helping others as I know you want us to. 
   
 

For My Grace- Walk For Sick Kids Hospital

Yesterday we walked 20km for Sick Kids hospital. Our friends the Cleverdons joined us. I barely kept it together upon arriving. I really didn’t know how I was going to do this walk without my sweet Grace. I kept day dreaming about what it would have been like to walk it with Grace. I never imagined not for one second I’d be doing it without Grace. MacKenzie, Grace’s sister, rose the Courageous flag at the Opening Ceremony. – 

 Courage, the ability to do something that frightens you. Strength in the face of pain or grief. [COURAGEOUS FLAG IS RAISED]. Everyone standing in front of me today displays incredible courage. In times of heartache, in times of sadness, in times of hope and in times of reflection, let courage be the light that guides you. Raising the COURAGEOUS FLAG today is Mackenzie Bowen in honour of her sister Grace, who lost her battle with osteosarcoma in March. Mackenzie is surrounded by her parents, Greg and Andrea and Grace’s close friend Naomi. Thank you for being courageous.

There isn’t a second that goes by I don’t think about my Grace. I miss her more and more everyday. It has been 6 months and I just can’t believe this has happened. I can’t put into words the pain I feel without her here with me. 

I love you Grace to the moon and back….and beyond.

  

You Are My Sunshine

Dear Grace,

My dear sweet girl….I want to tell you again and again how much I love being your mom.  I can’t say loved because you will always be my girl and I’m always going to be proud that you are mine.  I visit you everyday at your grave.  Oh how I wish you knew how much I think of you and talk to you.  I have a coin in the ground still that has been there for 6 months that says ‘always with you’.  I say I’m always with you Grace and you are always with me.  I sing the song I used to sing to you at bedtime, ‘You are My Sunshine’. The odd time I will find a feather when I’m visiting you and I tell myself that it’s from you.  I ache to talk to you and hold you.  We all miss you so very much.  I love being your mom and I’m so very proud of you.  You are an inspiration to me.  You have always been an inspiration to me and that will never change.  I was always so proud of you growing up.  You amazed me from day one.  Growing up you were so full of spunk and even through 11 months of fighting for your life, that spunk remained.  You are also an old s
oul that all adored.  I will never forget when your bladder was failing and you were trying so hard to pee.  You said to me in your 9 year old voice, “Mom, thanks for being there for me, I couldn’t have done it without you.” Those words will never be forgotten Grace. There are no words that could describe how much I miss you.  There simply aren’t any words appropriate enough for how much and deeply you are missed.

I miss our snuggle times.  There was nothing like a Grace hug.  I always try really hard and block everything out so that I can just try and almost feel your arms wrapped around me.  I do that with your hand too.  We held hands every night before bed and often all night long.  God, I love you Grace.  They say when you love deeply, you grieve deeply.  Boy, my love is so deep. My love for you will continue forever.  I can’t wait to see you.  I have to believe we will be together again someday Grace.  I need you like I need air.  I miss you more than words can describe.

I’m grateful to be your mom.  I’m so lucky you are my daughter.  I’ll always be your mommy.

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How Do I Live Without You?

I can’t hug you. I can’t kiss you. I can’t laugh with you. I can’t feel you hugging me. I can’t see you. I can look at pictures. I can look at videos. I can talk out loud. I can visit your grave.  I can talk about you. This isn’t enough for me.  21 weeks since your heart stopped beating and I just don’t know how to live.  I need to feel you, hug you, laugh with you, listen to you talk, play with you.  How on earth can you be gone from this world that I have to continue living in.  I simply don’t understand and I know I never will.  My heart is completely shattered without you.  Not enough air to breath as the thought of you just takes it away. It’s really hard to believe that my heart didn’t stop beating when yours stopped.  I think it did because it sure doesn’t beat the same way and it never will.  Living without you isn’t living.   How could my perfect life just be gone?  Missing you consumes every second of my day.  Not complaining about that because that’s all I want to do is think about you.  I think about you sick this past year and your beautiful, bald head in my neck and kissing that beautiful head. I think of us holding hands every night while we slept. I think of all the kisses and hugs.  I also think of you before the dreaded and evil word Cancer.  I think of your beautiful hair and your amazing personality that made us all laugh everyday.  I think of your belly laugh that captured everyone.  I think of all the things we used to do together at home during our summer off.  Saying how much I miss you every single day doesn’t even come close to how I feel without you.  You inspired me your entire 9 years of life and you will continue to forever.

My Amazing Grace

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I miss you so much Grace. I ache for you every second of the day. I’m with you always and you’re always with me.  I need to hold you, laugh with you , kiss you. Please hug me from heaven. I don’t understand how you can be gone. How could this happen? I love you Grace I’m doing the sign.