My sweet, amazing Grace,
Today as I drove in the pouring rain to visit you at the gravesite, I was crying and listening to a song called, ‘Lay Me Down’. It’s a song I feel was written for the way I feel, begging and wishing I could lie with you and take care of you. I am always asking for you to send me a sign, anything at all. I see your number 23 around all the time. I see signs of you everywhere. But, I ask for signs just for me, anything. As I got closer to the cemetery, I felt a swipe across the top of my head. I looked around me wondering what it was. The window wasn’t down. I didn’t have anything in my hair. Was that you Grace? I miss you so much. Those words don’t even begin to describe how I feel without you. I think of you every second of the day. I love you to the moon and back and beyond. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
I do not understand how it is possible that I have a child who passed away. It hits me in the gut and buckles me to the floor. The more time that passes, the harder it gets. It was 3 months on the 13th. The panic I have inside me and the longing to see my amazing Grace is overwhelming. It is so hard to just get through a day and then when the day is over, I am full of anxiety that the next day is around the corner.
My children are everything to me. That’s all I ever wanted was to be a mom. I now pace around this house wondering what to do. I am desperate to see my Grace. I wonder how she is, where she is. I don’t have a faith I practice. I don’t know what I believe in. I want to believe I will see her again and she will take my hand and we will cuddle and play. I feel terrible wishing that would happen now. I don’t want to leave my husband and other child, MacKenzie. I love her to bits. She deserves to have me too. But I miss Grace with everything in me and I can barely breath without her. I can’t help but want to be with her.
I know it is still early, and I know I’m raw with emotions. I do talk to other bereaved moms online and it helps to talk to them even though we all hate being apart of this awful club. I hear from other moms that year 2 is harder and year 3 is really hard too. You simply wear the mask better in the years to come I hear but the wish to be with your child is always there. 3 months yesterday and I long for her to be sitting here with me every second of every single day.
I really can’t believe this. I miss and love my sweet, beautiful Grace so very much. Such paralyzing pain.