How Do I Live Without You?

I can’t hug you. I can’t kiss you. I can’t laugh with you. I can’t feel you hugging me. I can’t see you. I can look at pictures. I can look at videos. I can talk out loud. I can visit your grave.  I can talk about you. This isn’t enough for me.  21 weeks since your heart stopped beating and I just don’t know how to live.  I need to feel you, hug you, laugh with you, listen to you talk, play with you.  How on earth can you be gone from this world that I have to continue living in.  I simply don’t understand and I know I never will.  My heart is completely shattered without you.  Not enough air to breath as the thought of you just takes it away. It’s really hard to believe that my heart didn’t stop beating when yours stopped.  I think it did because it sure doesn’t beat the same way and it never will.  Living without you isn’t living.   How could my perfect life just be gone?  Missing you consumes every second of my day.  Not complaining about that because that’s all I want to do is think about you.  I think about you sick this past year and your beautiful, bald head in my neck and kissing that beautiful head. I think of us holding hands every night while we slept. I think of all the kisses and hugs.  I also think of you before the dreaded and evil word Cancer.  I think of your beautiful hair and your amazing personality that made us all laugh everyday.  I think of your belly laugh that captured everyone.  I think of all the things we used to do together at home during our summer off.  Saying how much I miss you every single day doesn’t even come close to how I feel without you.  You inspired me your entire 9 years of life and you will continue to forever.


3 thoughts on “How Do I Live Without You?

  1. Thank you for sharing your Amazing Grace. I cry with you, Andrea. When I read your words, I feel your heart. When I released Amy’s balloons on Tuesday, I wrote Grace’s name on one of the balloons. I will always remember your beautiful spirited Amazing Grace even though I have never met her. The love continues and grows. Two years into this nightmare, I am absolutely sure of that even though nothing will ever replace the physical absence of a child. Life is not fair.


  2. I cried reading your words and watching the video of your spirited and vivacious Grace. Wish I could help, but just know that there are other bereaved parents who are feeling your pain and keeping you and Grace in their hearts.


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